19) Four Loko

Here’s the scenario: you’re in your apartment/house/suite/dorm room, pregaming with a fun fruity beverage for the night. Yum! It’s sweet with the nice metallic aftertaste of delicious malt liquor! (If you’re a freshman: omg I don’t drink beer and this is so good!)

The next thing you know, you’re waking up on some flea-ridden, disgusting couch at 50 Ashford, missing a tooth, bleeding from one ear, a citation for public urination in your pocket, not wearing pants, wondering where your other shoe is, glass in your palm, and snuggling with a traffic cone. (NO THIS HASN’T HAPPENED TO ME. God that dental work was expensive). And you have NO idea what happened.

Welcome to the morning after Four Loko.

I shouldn’t have to explain what Four Loko is. If you don’t know, get off of this site.

After you run out of that house as fast as you possibly can (thank CHRIST I wore boyshorts and it was the day after Halloween) you try to piece together your night after you drank that can of liquid crack, heart beating erratically from the toxic sludge you ingested 10 hours previously. Turns out that after Four Loko pong, you blacked out, went to T’s where after jumping behind the bar because “it was taking too long to get a drink” (1 not that another drink was necessary 2) it’s T’s on a Saturday – duh), you were thrown out. But not without putting up a fight – so you took a couple of hits from the giant bouncer. Missing tooth – check. Gash by your ear similar to the one the ginger twin suffers in Harry Potter – check. Your friends didn’t leave the bar, but you have the public urination citation on Linden Street from 12:17 am sooooo…yeah

Turns out after that you ran into some other buddies and went to Chi Phi (WOOOOOOOOO), where you met the gymnastics team, and challenged them to a flipping competition. Glass in hand – check. After that, no one knows how you wound up on the couch, with traffic cone. Whoops.

Clearly all college students want at the end of the night is a good story. And Four Loko does things to you that ENSURES that a good story will ensue. Plus, it’s effing cheap. I’m not sure how the US government was perplexed by it’s popularity on college campuses. I mean you know, death may or may not be involved, but no one under the age of 25 particularly cares about that aspect.

So obviously, in response to the impending ban of these radioactive innocent beverages, BU students are rushing to buy them in bulk. Blanchard’s even sold out uhhh whaaaaa?

I love all of these news articles about the ban that say things like “young people may not know that having a 23.5 oz Four Loko is not the same as having a standard drink.” Uh – false. There is one reason that BU kids ingest Four Loko: to get as messed up as possible, in a short period of time, for the least amount of money.

But seriously, Four Lokos are going to turn into a kind of currency after this ban is completely instituted, trading at something like $15 to 1 loko. Investing tip: ARBITRAGE OPPORTUNITIES. I’m predicting that fights will break out over the stuff, and a can will be the hottest gift of Christmas/birthdays 2010 (much like Tickle Me Elmo in 1996). And for real, I was walking past Kayuga the other night, and witnessed a physical brawl, which required police intervention. Guess what? It was over a single can of Four Loko.

If this blog were the online, college equivalent of Fox News (by that I mean making unsubstantiated, outrageous claims every other day – oh wait…I do…), I would say that Four Loko should not be banned in order to prevent this kind of violence!

So good-bye eventually Four Loko. I know you won’t disappoint, and won’t disappear without causing a lot more violent destruction, ridiculous stories, and epic walks of shame.

^Washington State knows what’s up.

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One Response to 19) Four Loko

  1. Pingback: Drinking. | Stuff Boston University Students Like

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